Detach from a stepchild?
Question by Ku’ulani: Detach from a stepchild?
I am my stepsons only mother.Their “real” mom has been MIA for years. I am the only mother figure in their lives period-I raise them, support them, do special things for them, all the things a mother is there for.
OK, so now that’s out of the way for the people who say to “stay out of your stepkids lives”…they’d be dead now if I had, their mother has a dangerous mental illness.People with problems with stepmothers may wish to simply keep their biased and closed minded views to themselves for this one.
My husband is a very passive man.I cannot change that.My oldest stepson is almost 18,and behaves in a way that has become mentally and emotionally exhausting for me to combat without my husbands help.I have 4 other kids who need me to be a healthy mother.I can no longer “parent” my oldest son, and my husband seems to have no problem with his behavior, no matter how negatively it impacts his brothers and sisters or me.
I need to detach from him.How?I have no clue.Any advice?
That is not true-biological parents have to detach all the time from the behaviors of their adult children (read:children they are no longer the “boss” of) that impact them negatively.
You are right, I would have no right to detach from a CHILD, but this is an adult…one who is making EVERYONE unhealthy
Best answer:
Answer by Kuuipo Michelle
He is almost 18…sounds like when that birthday hits, he needs to move out!
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
He’s 18. He needs to grow up. Tell him that you’re done “mothering” him. Let him worry about his own meals and laundry. Tell him if he needs anything to see his father.
I would just ignore him.
edit: You need to try to create a situation where your husband doesn’t have the option of being passive. I take that as a code for lazy and uninvolved. He needs to help you out.
Take care of yourself first because you are right in saying that you won’t be there for the others.
If you can get him to counseling.
If you are his “mom” you have no business “detaching” from him! That’s what his bio-mom already did (think there’s a connection there?)!
You need to set boundaries with him to keep him from negatively impacting the rest of the family!
There is a great book called Boundaries with Teens by Dr. John Townsend. Check it out!
My daughters’ step mother left their father partly kind of the same reason except his crutch wasn’t passiveness it was beer.
Speak to your husband. Let him know how serious this is. Esp with mum being mentally unstable. Try to get him on board.
Then, speak to your step son. let him know that you will always love him but his behavior is not acceptable and you won’t tolerate it, that you have other children that need you and disengage. Lay it at the Cross!!!!!! If he gets in trouble with the police, he is 18, there is nothing you can do. HE has to chose the path he wants to take. You, unfortunately cannot chose it for him. believe me if that was possible, I would have done it for my daughter.(ie chose her path) This is called ‘tough love” and believe me it is tough. I had to do this with my biological child.
Emma
18 is not a child. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss this with him. I don’t think totally detaching from him is good because he has gone through that with his biological mother. You and your husband need to deal with this together. Good luck.
He is hitting adulthood VERY SOON. Meanwhile “Boundaries With Teens” is worth checking out and applying in your family life.
Be encouraged. Stepmothers get criticism coming and going. Hopefully, the positive you have planted with him during his life will pay off down the road. Give him the book “Boundaries” as a send-off gift. It may help him make better decisions for himself later.
mabye a nice college life ( with dorm) would help him out..
If u graduly back away from his life he can understand that he is not a child anymore. Get him in activities for him to find something that he might take interest in. Have ur husband spend more time with him than you will. Like I said a college life helps him out with a job( degree) and detaching from you.
I think that consuling Is a like unneeded I think that he just needs sum1 to be there with him.
Hope I helped
I have 2 step-children ages 8 and 11. They stay with us on the weekends, and like yours, my husband is Very passive. When he tells them No or not to do something he just says it softly as if its no big deal.
It gets on my nerves… both the fact that he will just repeat himself about 10 times And the fact that they dont listen to him, so I always end up yelling. I am the main disciplinary and I am the one that makes sure they take baths and all the stuff that needs to get done.
I didnt used to mind it, but now I have a 2 year old and I have to do all the things for her….. I just get freaked out from time to time, and my mother told me that he should be the one telling the kids what to do and do more for them.
Sorry I got off the main topic… I just mean, you should have a talk with your husband if you havemt already and tell him that you feel there is nothing you can do to help the oldest son. (as bad as it sounds, there may not be anything you can do besides trytoget him on medication. Ask your husband to take a more active role in bettering his sons life. Tell hime you cant do it all by yourself.
Best of luck to all of you! Its women like you stepping up to be a great “mom” when kids basicaly dont have any that really make a difference in those childs lives!